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Battered, Bruised and Bankrupt

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Voluntary Bankruptcy

This was the biggest and most life changing event which dominated most of last year.
And is still going on now.
I became voluntarily bankrupt w.e.f September 2014.
Or “in Sequestration” to use the correct scottish term,

I had to make this hard decision because my health was so poor. It had been steadily getting worse over the last few years and I was living a “non-life” really. In bed most of the time (maybe 80% or 90% of the time) struggling with all the horrible ME symptoms (an ever lengthening list). And at the same time trying to keep the property stuff afloat – mainly from bed. With my mobile phone for texts, emails, internet banking. And of course – actual phone calls. But phone calls had to be kept to an absolute minimum as I was too ill most of the time to carry out a business type phone call, or remember accurately what had been said . I relied mostly on emails as I could take breaks in a way you can’t in the middle of a phone call. Plus I needed a written record of almost everything – as my brain fog was severe.

But this was in no way ideal. You can’t deal with everyone purely by email or text. Plus a simple email that should take maybe 20 mins would often take me 4 hours to type. And that could often take me a day or two to recover from the exertion of doing even that.

My “PEM” or “PENE” (post exertional malaise / post exertional neuro exhaustion) has been severe and punishing.

Sometimes I would manage out of bed and get to my desk in my dressing gown and slippers. Looking like an unwashed wreck. Often I had to choose between washing/showering and getting any work done.
Almost every small bit of energy I could muster up had to go on work/property stuff. But over the last few years, I had built up a massive backlog of stuff that I would never have gotten on top of.

In the end I had to choose between my health and my ME getting even worse – or giving everything up.
When I write it like this, I can see there really was no choice.
But I went thru a lot of mental agony and anguish before deciding. Even started to have panic attacks at one point.

Doing this stuff had been my life for the last 11 years.
And I had struggled on for a very long time – because you can’t just get rid of 15 flats overnight. And I knew the consequences of “giving up” would be awful.
It wasn’t like resigning from my career in insurance in 1997 because of my health, after almost 20 years with the same employer. And walking away with nothing. And that door just closes behind you.
That was simple compared to this.

This has been terrible, and caused my health to go even further downhill. Which was one of my fears about doing it.
But it had to be done – and it was done to give myself a decent chance to improve again in the future.

When everything is more settled, and I get to a stage where I have some peace of mind.
I feel sure I can start to improve then.

I’ll probably write more about this in later posts.
As it has been traumatic, and I do need to get stuff out.

Moved house

For 2 reasons :

1) I wasn’t managing in our home very well any longer.
It was a semi-detached house with stairs (obviously). The stairs were hard. I could manage them some days – but with bad exhaustion after. Other days I couldn’t manage at all. My bedroom had been moved into a downstairs room some time ago – but the bathroom was still upstairs. (Had a downstairs loo, thank goodness.) My office was also upstairs (and I was hardly managing into it). The kitchen was too far away from the bedroom and living room for me. And when I did get into it, I often couldn’t stay in it for more than a few minutes at a time – as there was nowhere to sit down. And various windows throughout the house (incl my bedroom) I was unable to open – which would drive me mad.
It had a garden of course, but I rarely managed to get out in it over the last year or two. Any “good” days were spent trying to work and keep everything afloat. Not every one of course, but most of them.

2) The other reason was that we knew we would later voluntarily hand over our house to the Trustee In Bankruptcy. It would have been “taken” off us anyway. We had lived in it since 1998 and there was plenty of equity in it. So we knew it would be sold off to take the equity.
It has just gone onto Rightmove for sale this week. And it looks so sad and empty.

A house move is a stressful event anytime.
We moved well in advance of the bankruptcy taking effect. I actually moved into the flat before my husband at the end of May 2014. As I was desperate to get away from the house, its stairs, and all the other problems.

But as anyone with ME will know – a house move takes a huge toll on your health. Even when it’s a happy house move.
But in these circumstances . . .
I’m just glad its over – and I pray that we don’t have to do it again.

Had to change Banks – twice

How would I describe doing this (with ME) ?
Complete bloody torture . . .
The 1st change was recommended by the financial advisor and done ages before the bankruptcy. Bank manager clearly informed of probable future bankruptcy therefore ensuring everything done properly.
It took me months to get all the direct debits set up again – as I can hardly manage to tolerate using the laptop, or phone, etc with my ME being so bad.

Everything was just getting settled and running fine – then the bank decided that they were freezing and closing down all accounts (nationwide) for any bankrupt people. No notice was given at all. It just happened instantly.
This threw us into chaos.
Husband’s salary had just been paid in a week before this happened and we couldn’t get it back out. Well, we did eventually. But with a lot of hassle.
And trying to get a new current account once you have actually become bankrupt is very difficult. (No surprise really.) Most banks don’t want to know, and I actually thought we weren’t going to be able to open one at all at one point.
It was chaos, and mega stressful with ME.
Because you can’t pay many things without a bank account. And, as already mentioned, I am very limited in even being able to make phone calls. Or use the internet. And physically going out to places to try and pay things in cash was totally beyond me. (Still is most of the time.)
We now have a new account up and running (thank god).
But almost everything (DDs etc) have still to be set up all over again.

Not easy . . .

Homeopathic Hospital (or Centre Of Integrative Care)

Had a 5 day in-patient stay in January 2014.
This was a huge disappointment and actually resulted in my condition getting even worse afterwards. Especially when I read the doctor’s report a few weeks later.
There were many good things about the stay – I must add this.
Eg, the company of the other patients, getting good food at a regular time, the garden view from my bed (and got out into it twice), some of the meditation classes, a marvellous massage (called a Bowen Therapy massage), a great adjustable bed, a chair in the shower area to sit down on.
But there also a lot of odd, weird things that I tried to ignore and block out while I was there. This was hard work to do mentally, as a lot of things didn‘t “feel“ right.
But I didn’t speak up while there.
Partly because too exhausted – the whole effort of getting organised and getting there had taken its toll. And my husband was ill too and I was worried about him.
And the brain fog doesn’t make it easy to think clearly or express yourself when needed.
The other thing was – I didn’t want to be labelled as being “over-anxious” or having a “depressive/negative mood”. So I just kept quiet about things I was concerned or confused about.
But when I read the doctor’s (fairly short) report later – I was horrified. Angry, upset and despairing at what a waste of time and energy (mine) it had turned out to be.
Most of my symptoms had been ignored. And I reckoned about 80% of what I had said (or tried to say) had been dismissed or ignored. Or I hadn’t been allowed to talk about some symptoms.
Looking back – the total time the ward doctor spent with me was maybe 45 mins on the 1st day. Out of a 5 day stay. For 25 years of illness . . .
And a list of symptoms that was getting longer and longer. And more severe.
I had been so “grateful” and “positive” and “upbeat” while I was there. And on the last day, And even when I was just home.

But it all knocked the stuffing out of me.

I tried to reason with myself that I maybe had been expecting too much. But I just expected a doctor/doctors who had some knowledge and understanding of ME/CFS. Then I used up even more energy trying to go back over how it had gone so wrong, why had I not been able to make myself understood, did I not speak clearly enough, had I been speaking too fast (trying to get 25 years of history out remember), etc etc etc.

But it was damaging.

Have no GP now

Well, that’s not totally correct. But as good as.
The combination of having moved house to a different post code (although I’m actually closer to the surgery now), and the fact I haven’t been able to get into to surgery since 2011, means that I was told in October 2014 that I had to find a new GP.

I’m still reeling from the phone call that day.

A GP that I had never met or even spoken to before phoned me after my husband went into the surgery before going to work that morning. To ask for better (any) painkillers for me. My headaches have been very bad the last few years (mentioned while in the Homeopathic Hospital, but not taken seriously). And I had been awake most of the night actually crying with the pain. One of the worst nights ever, pain-wise.
The GP who phoned was abrupt and aggressive, wouldn’t let me speak, and I’m not sure she even understood what I was trying to say part of the time. She had a foreign accent.

She used phrases like :

“What’s wrong with you – are you housebound or something ?“
(Re why I haven‘t got to the surgery since 2011)

“We only do home visits for elderly people or people who cannot walk”.
(I didn’t want a home visit – just some effective medication.)

“If we come out to visit you and find out you CAN walk – we will be very angry with you.”
(I didn’t want a home visit but I was speechless at this.)

“I am noting your records now that you are not to be given any more prescriptions.”
(She talked to me like I had done something wrong. And was therefore punishing me.)

“There’s no rush – just within the next few days.”
(Telling me I had to change to another GP surgery – despite me trying to explain I hardly managed out, or even to make phone calls most of the time.)

And it went on and on.

I was in tears (of frustration) after it. And my heart rate felt like it was thru the roof for days later.
I have been with that surgery since 1987 and l don’t think I’ve had a home visit (or even asked for one ) in all those years.

Asked 2 ME Charities for help in finding a new “ME/CFS friendly GP”

1) Most recently (a few months ago) :
Paid £20 to join one and used a lot of time and energy emailing their advocacy worker. To explain in detail how limited I am and why I was asking for their help with the GP issue.
She was very nice, but explained she had a big backlog of people with ME needing help. And couldn’t really spend any time with me at this point in time.
She did mention one GP but I don’t think the practice is going to be suitable for other reasons. Even if he still works there, which she wasn’t sure of. And I would still have be a lot more well than I am just now to be able to make enquiries, or go there.

2) A few years ago :
The other charity (or maybe its more of a support group) – I used to be a member of years ago. But only managed to go to 2 or 3 meetings.
Anyway, I asked if I could pay the annual membership and rejoin. And explained my main need was for help finding a decent GP.
(This has been a big problem for me for years.)
I had hoped that somebody/anybody could just give me a recommendation for a decent one. I got an email reply just suggesting I come along to their next meeting – although I had tried to explain how limited I was, and rely mainly on email. I emailed back a few times asking could I pay their membership and rejoin anyway – but they just stopped replying.
So I gave up.

Car broken down at end of road – 5 weeks ago

I went into bankruptcy for health reasons.
To relinquish all the properties, and all the work and responsibility that went with them. And all the dealings with Letting Agents, Tenants, Banks, Mortgage Lenders, Tradesmen, Factors, Insurance Companies, etc etc etc.

It wasn’t so much for financial reasons – although debts had certainly built up over the last few years with me not being able to deal with things well, or quickly enough. I was making losses and haemorrhaging money.
But before the process started, everything was getting paid ok and nothing was in arrears. But it was a struggle trying to juggle it all.
Our assets well exceeded any debts – on paper anyway.
After the process we are left with almost nothing.
The Trustee is allowing us to keep this one flat to live in – mainly because it has a big mortgage on it and no equity in it.
But any life assurance and mortgage endowments were taken off us and cashed in.

But – the one bonus for us was they allowed us to keep our beloved BMW.
Only because it is so old – it is a Y registration. Which is roughly 15 years old I think. And it is probably worth less than £1000.
I have always loved this car.
It is the most reliable car we have ever had – and it looks good. And is so comfortable and secure to drive (when I’m able to.)
I was forever boring people with how reliable is has been.

5 weeks ago it broke down at the end of the street . . . .

A major suspension issue – involving a lot of labour time to fix (as well as an expensive part). To have it fixed by a BMW dealer or even a smaller garage would be unaffordable. The repair would cost more than the value of the car itself.
However, we are lucky that a friend of husband’s is working on it. Which will be much cheaper. But its a very slow process as he can only do bits at the weekends. In daylight. And the weather hasn’t helped.
But it will get fixed – eventually


This blog post has taken me ages to write. I changed it so much. And didn‘t want it to be so long – but felt the need to get all this out.

And it will be the first that most people in my real life will learn about the Bankruptcy.
I have only managed to tell a very small number of people. Mainly because my health has been so bad and I have hardly managed to see anyone.
(And it’s not really suitable for a text message . . . )

I’ll probably write more about much of this stuff in future posts.
I’m desperate to be writing again.
It is a struggle as I’m still feeling quite unwell much of the time. And just trying to think and concentrate is exhausting. And using my laptop feels like torture some days.

Doing this post will no doubt wipe me out for days. I feel totally wrecked after doing it.
But in this case, it will be worth it.
The more I can pour all this stuff out (onto this Blog) – the more it is out of my head. And creates “headroom” for better stuff.

That‘s the plan anyway . . .

Easter Weekend – what happened to it ?

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I realise I haven’t posted for some time.
The last few years is the worst my CFS and health has been for a long time. And it’s not really getting any better at the moment.
If anything it has possibly been even worse since maybe February-ish.
But to be honest it is hard for me to tell anything for sure.
The “brain fog” symptoms (ie, cognitive dysfunction) are quite possibly the worst they have ever been.
Plus the increased sensitivity to any stimulation (sound, TV, movement, brightness, reading, using computer, etc etc).
And all of this has been very severely disabling.
All I want is proper rest, head and brain rest more than anything. If that makes sense ?
But I remain hopeful, as I have some reasonable days. Even if they are quite few.
I guess I’m just posting this out of frustration, in the hope that I’ll feel better (emotionally that is) once I’ve done it.
And to keep my Blog going – as I  have been neglecting it.
Well, I have been managing almost nothing much of the time.
The smallest thing takes so much out of me, and the time needed to recover from it seems to get longer and longer each time.
So bloody difficult . . . .
But everyone with CFS and ME will know what I mean.
I haven’t managed to get outside the house for nearly 4 weeks now. The Easter Weekend has just passed in the blink of an eye.
Husband had the full 4 days off. I was glad he did – he was well overdue a break and some relaxation. I just wish I had been able to enjoy more of it with him, but have been in bed throughout most of the time.
The thing that has probably disappointed me most was not being able to get out into the garden. Ok, it is a mess out there, no doubt to our neighbours’ horror.  But I would love to have been able to sit outside and feel the fresh air and sunlight on my face.
I love the sun.
However we did enjoy some tasty   Chinese food on Sunday night and a couple of glasses of wine. And despite my ability to tolerate TV being very low just now – we did manage to watch a good film.
So it wasn’t all bad.

The Chaos Of My House

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The Chaos Of My Life

Right now all around me feels chaotic so thought I’d write a post about it – as it may calm my head down.
My work is totally chaotic and has been for ages now as I am struggling so much to do any of it. The harder I try the worse my CFS symptoms get. Over the last week or so I can hardly even use my laptop. This is severely restricting what I can do as rely on email very much. Just looking at the screen (no matter how I alter brightness etc) is giving me almost instant headaches some days. Also use my mobile phone (an old style one) for text messages to communicate a lot. But this isn’t great either – as it is feels like shining a bright torch into my face . Not to mention that I go thru my pay as you go credit at a lightening rate. (And not everyone does text messages anyway.)
I have probably already mentioned how difficult phone calls can be with CFS – when the brain fog or racing brain kicks in.  Not to mention everything else.
In fact – just actually thinking (about anything work wise) is giving me such bad headaches and exhaustion now.
So its not making for an easy life  : if I can hardly use my laptop, mobile phone or even think . . .
But I know there is a funny side to this. I did chuckle to myself this morning as the thought of trying to explain to a angry employer (if I had one) that I was too ill to come into work because thinking was too much for me ! I don’t imagine that would be well received or understood – do you ?

But I wanted to make this post about non-work things.
Some other things that feel chaotic right now are :

a) The House is dreadful mess.
Cluttered with stuff everywhere and nothing in a logical place. To explain, Hubby moved back again 6 weeks ago. (Both happy about this – may do a separate post later.) He had been living in one of the flats that is normally rented out near Shawlands. For 9 months. So various items of furniture and loads of belongings are now here – but most have still to be merged back into the house. At the moment they are all over the place. Things keep getting lost or misplaced everywhere. And neither of us have had the time or energy to sort it all out properly.

b) My Office is a mess too.
Same reason as above – on top of my ever growing backlog of work and problems.  Sitting at my desk typing this I can see on the floor and table ahead of me : surplus pillows, various lamps, a mirror, a painting, 6 mini boxes filled with stuff, lots of bags containing Xmas gift bags that were taken out a cupboard to let other stuff in . . . etc etc.
A setting that doesn’t make for clear thinking at all.

c) An over-flowing laundry room.
I am lucky to have a decent amount of space at home – but not much storage. Have 2 downstairs cupboards but the larger one is used to house the washing machine and washing baskets. At the moment it looks like a very out of control laundry.  The 2 washing baskets have doubled to 4. Hubby has 1 and it is fairly empty – he is good with his.  The other 3 are for my stuff, and towels and bedding – and they are all totally overflowing. Its getting to the stage that almost every towel and item of bedding in the house needs washing. Not to mention most of my own clothes.
Why – because I haven’t enough time or energy. The usual issue.

d) We are lucky to have a 2nd TV room – but its a muddle too.
After 21 years together and 9 months apart (recently) Hubby and I realise that we must have our own separate time as well as together time. So he will use this room at times. But right now the room is a shambles.  So much stuff everywhere – I try not to even look into it when I pass to go to kitchen. The TV and DVD player aren’t connected up yet and there are wires, rolls of cable, remote controls etc all over the floor. And it has been like this for 6 weeks. But he hasn’t had time to sort out yet. Even the switch for the cable modem I need to put on (to use broadband) is in this room underneath a table. So I have to crawl under every day to switch on and off.
Not ideal . . .

e) The only good bedroom is unusable.
The central heating system and boiler are ancient – over 40 years old. We have had quotes but too expensive to replace it. It still works and works well in downstairs rooms. But the heating now struggles to get to some rooms upstairs. In particular the main bedroom which I love because of its size and brightness. And its bay windows – something about bay windows I find calming. But this room is now (for me) a “no go” area as simply too cold. And will get much colder yet as winter approaches. (Everything has been tried, adjustments, an extra pump, new radiators etc – but the ancient system simply isn’t coping.)
So we now use a much smaller bedroom at the back of the house which heats up well (so far). And realise am lucky to have this option.
But its not ideal as quite small. And gets a very poor light – even on a bright sunny day. It has a lovely view of the side of next door’s house – a brick wall ! And its crammed with far too much stuff at the moment.

f) Finally – and to cap it all – we now have fleas from a visiting pussy cat !
Yeh  Gods . . .
We thought we were imagining it at first – as haven’t actually seen any.  Do you actually see fleas . . . ? I have no idea . And certainly couldn’t see any on the pussycat herself – who is a very fluffy girl cat with a massive tail. Simply gorgeous and irresistible. How could I turn a pussy like that away . . . when she meows at the kitchen door for attention ? And cats are always washing and grooming their fur (very proud animals) so we didn’t suspect anything at all.
But the lovely ankle bites can no longer be ignored.  So that’s something else to deal with.

Oh well – I wouldn’t like to have nothing to think about . . .
Aaaaargh .

Undernote :
I changed the name of this post as the previous one gave the impression of things being more dire than they are. Its not my total life thats in chaos – just some parts of it !

You Look Fine . . .

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You look fine or You look well or You Don’t Look Ill

Thought I would give this one a post of its own.

We have all had this comment.
In fact – not just us with CFS or ME, but many others who have what’s termed an invisible illness.
There are 3 different ways this comment is made in my experience :

1) As a genuine compliment.
Made from somebody who really means well or cares.
And in this case it is very welcome. As it is usually obvious that the person is saying it with genuine affection and all good intentions.
And it is a nice thing.

2) It is said in a doubtful manner.
This can be a difficult one – as its not always very clear how it is meant. It usually doesn’t “feel” like a compliment. Or as though it was said in encouragement.
You are left with the feeling that the person is questioning the validity of your condition – CFS or ME.
But impossible to respond to – because of the way it is said.

3) This one is said more aggressively.
And you are left in no doubt that the person either thinks there is nothing wrong with you. Or that you are exaggerating things for some reason.
In my experience this has always been impossible for me to respond too also. Usually because of being taken aback by the manner of the person making the comment. But also some of the typical CFS or ME symptoms seem to kick in – like not being able to find the right words when needed.  And I have always been left unable to make any sensible and non-angry response.
Several hours later – I will think “Oh I wish I had said . . . .  “  .
But the moment has passed.

My CFS Symptoms

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I decided to list my symptoms with CFS.   Not for fun (!) but for various reasons :

I’m sure there people out there who still assume Chronic Fatigue Syndrome just means that we get a bit tired. And get tired more often than average.
And therefore they regard it as not very serious.
But (unfortunately) there is much more to it – as you can see from this list.

It is rather a long list – and I realise that I have some symptoms now that I didn’t have eg. 6 years ago. I feel that the longer you have CFS and/or the longer you had to go before getting diagnosed – the more it may become “entrenched” or “ingrained” in you.
And all the harder to get rid of.
NB. This is just my personal opinion and not based on any medical facts.

But I also know I am very lucky in that my symptoms do fluctuate and I am not hit anything as badly as some who are classed as having severe CFS or very severe CFS. Or severe ME & very severe ME.
Plus in making this list I noticed that some symptoms I had quite badly years ago – I rarely get now, eg. IBS.  (= good)
But on the other side of the coin I have developed other new symptoms in recent years, eg. 21 – 23.  (= bad)

Anyway – here they are :

1) Flu-like exhaustion (no strength or power left)
2) Muscle weakness
3) Muscle pain (esp neck, shoulders, upper & middle back)
4) Stiff neck
5) Sore/stiff right arm and wrist
6) Headaches (more often & severe last year or so)
7) Weakness & lack of grip in right hand
8) Out of breath easy
9) Chest tightness or heaviness
10) Heart pounding/racing
(Pulse Rate always high : eg. lowest usually 80 – if feel well and am very rested. Can be much higher – eg. 141 the other day after having a shower.)
11) Blurred vision
12) Always thirsty
13) Memory bad
14) Often forget point I’m talking about mid-sentence
15) Find it hard to be concise – often go off on tangents
16) Cannot find the right words at times
17) Poor concentration – cannot focus on 1 thing at a time
18) Racing thoughts – all jumbled up/so many things that need doing/
19) Brain Fog – thoughts very slow, as if they cannot get thru,
20) Eyes get tired very easy
21) Cannot tolerate bright light some days (eg. from TV or PC screen)
22) Cannot tolerate noise some days or sudden change in noise levels (eg. different sound levels on diff TV channels)
23) Cannot tolerate moving images some days (eg. on TV)
24) Prone to getting cold easily (especially if overdue food)
25) IBS
26) Excessive sleeping some days

2 hours to type an email (brain fog etc)

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Another Lost Day . . .

Had an important email to do today & I really wanted to to sent early morning. But I failed to get up very early (around 10 am) so I went straight into my office from bed – still in my dressing gown.  With my breakfast – a banana and a cereal bar.  And water.
(I’m not daft enough to start on an empty tummy !)
For info – my “office” is the bedroom just next door to my actual bedroom.

But this email took me around 2 hours to do – even though it wasn’t all that long or that difficult. But for me some days – a simple thing like this can take ages. The effort of thinking it out and actually typing it out just got harder and harder the more time I spent on it. My head got sore very fast so this slowed me down anyway. Then my neck got stiff. Then the dratted brain fog descended – where it becomes so hard to think clearly at all. My thoughts seem to come in slow motion – as if they are trying to get thru treacle or something.
But I kept pushing on – as it really had to be done.

But I do know that “pushing on” like this does usually make my CFS worse.  So why did I do it you ask ?

Well if it hadn’t been sent – this would have led to a delay in getting some work started in an empty flat. This delay would = money problems (as no rent coming in but mortgage etc all need paying). This would then = more stress.  And more stress would = worse CFS symptoms.

A bit of a vicious circle.

By the time I finished this and did one more thing – almost 2.5 hours had passed. And I was feeling so unwell I had to go back to bed.   At 12.30 lunchtime.
And slept thru to 8 pm tonight !

Not ideal at all.
Anyway – I just really wanted to have a moan about it.  As this makes me fed up some days.

Brain Fog & Racing Thoughts

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A Wasted Friday

I am glad its Saturday.

Yesterday was a rubbish unproductive day!
Now I don’t obsessively measure my days in terms of “productiveness” in the way that I remember employers doing. But it was a write-off.
But unfortunately it hasn’t been written off in my mind yet and I’m still fretting about it.

This is why I’m adding it to my blog at this early hour on a Sat morning. An early hour for me at the weekend but my sleep pattern is “gubbed”.
Nb. I have borrowed this marvellously fitting word from a great blog called :
http://www.velo-gubbed-legs.blogspot.co.uk by Nasim Jafry. I hope you don’t mind Nasim?

Anyway the very poor summary of my work yesterday consisted of :

a) One letter which took me a ridiculous 2 hours to type ! Yes – that was it.
(I changed the content and tone of it so many times.)
b) Plus a lot of thinking and mulling over property & tenant problems – but no actual “doing”. About 3 hours spent (wasted?) here.

All the usual CFS or ME problems were present.
But I seem to be finding that the “neuro-type” symptoms have been getting worse and worse for some time now. Certainly a few years at the least. And even more so over last 12 months – really hindering me.

For the benefit of non CFS/ME sufferers : by neuro-type symptoms I mean :

Brain Fog :
Cannot think clearly, if at all. A bit like your thoughts are trying to get thru mud or treacle. And it is all so very very slow . . . Plus trying to find the right words can be hard too. Or to finish the point you are trying to make. (Or even work out what the point is . . ) Forgetting the point of what I was talking about mid-sentence is common. A total nightmare if in a phone call – but not easy either when a letter or email.

Hyper & Racing Brain :
Dozens of thoughts racing about at 100 miles an hour, conflicting thoughts, decisions, changing mind, more frantic thinking, cannot decide what best to do, or what to do 1st, or in what order, etc. Just unable to think straight or focus or concentrate.

Out of these 2 symptoms this 2nd one for me is probably the more exhausting as my brain feels as if it has run a marathon afterwards. If that makes sense?
Often I still have to later change what I have done or decided – as it can seem obvious (when rested) that I have made a bad decision. Or I have just confused everyone – including myself !

The headaches are so bad too. They come often with quite an intensity. Plus I find more and more that I cannot tolerate even looking at a PC screen for long. Or a TV screen. I seem to be getting more and more sensitive to colour, moving images on TV, sound, etc.
Which isn’t helpful at all.

Anyway by 5pm I just had to give in – and took painkillers and went to lie down in my bedroom next door to my office. With the black-out blind pulled fully down. Had planned to get up after a few hours, but ended up getting into bed and staying there for 10 hours – until 3 am.
I was just too exhausted to get up before then and my brain felt burned-out as I was still thinking about so much stuff while in bed.
But hunger finally got me up and went down to kitchen for something to eat.

Not the way I would choose to spend a Friday night.

Just realised this is another long post. (Have no idea how I manage on Twitter . . .)
And it is rather moany again. I admit I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. Although now that I’ve typed it I feel much happier.

Note To Myself :
Some Aims : do shorter posts and more fun ones !

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