Your Jaw Never Gets Tired

My brain is exhausted and burned out.
Totally fried.

The never ending Bankruptcy stuff is still going on. No end in sight – 2 years now.
In fact its worse than that.

I have a letter from the Trustee In Bankruptcy dated a month ago. It states that I may be made bankrupt AGAIN. Or sequestrated – to use the correct Scottish term.
It’s not definite, but still shocking to read.

The whole reason for the Bankruptcy (which was voluntary) was because my health was so poor at the start of 2014.
My ME was severe and I was too ill to carry on. I couldn’t do anything more.
I know I keep repeating this.
Sorry.

Because my health has been so bad,  I haven’t been able to communicate effectively with the Trustee In Bankruptcy. Any time I have tried it goes wrong.
The “brain fog” that comes with ME has been too severe and has ruined any communication attempts.

From Day One I had begged for everything in writing. Because of the brain fog.
But it doesn’t happen.
(Its often very hard for me to read stuff too, and digest the information. But at least if I have a letter or email I can read it over and over. 10 times if needed. Even then, I may still not understand it because of my ME. But there would be a bit more chance of it.)

Many times over the last 2 years I’ve been asked to do things I couldn’t do.
Or provide information I couldn’t provide.
Or to read long documents and sign – which I couldn’t read.
All because I’ve been too unwell.

The WHOLE POINT of the voluntary Bankruptcy was to hand everything over to the Trustee.
So that they would deal with EVERYTHING.
Sign EVERYTHING.
Take EVERYTHING to do with the 15 properties away from me.

I know I have mentioned this before too.
Sorry.

Then I’ve made myself even more ill with trying to explain this to them. That I’m not able to deal with anything.
Over and over.

And to the Bankruptcy Adviser.

And to my husband.
Because they will phone him at work (while he is dealing with gas and the public) and he just agrees to anything. Says “that will be fine” – as he wants to be helpful.
Then I get put under pressure to do or provide what was asked for.
And I’m usually not able to do it.
Or not even sure what I’m being asked to do.
Or why.
As usually nothing in writing. No guidance. No explanation.

The stress of this has been abysmal.
Utterly abysmal.
It has almost finished our marriage.

For most of the last 10 weeks we haven’t been able to live under the same roof.
No choice any longer for me.
We haven’t split up – we just can’t be in the same place while this is going on.
NB. This is no easy choice.
Given that I can hardly look after myself. With food etc. So I’m eating quite poorly much of the time. And I’m in bed so much.
And it is very lonely. As I may speak to not a single person all week until hubby visits at the weekend.

But the stress has been too much for too long.
I felt I was getting pushed to the point where I was at risk of having a stroke or a heart attack. Or a total psychiatric breakdown.

Many times in this blog I have talked about the severe headaches and the disabling chest pains. Plus all the nightmares.
But in real life nobody takes anything I say seriously.

So many people with ME or CFS have an endless battle with medical professionals to be taken seriously.
I have had that too.
But I also seem to be in a battle with the Trustee In Bankruptcy. And the Bankruptcy Adviser (although I’ve given up on that now.)
And even with my own husband at times.
Just to be taken seriously in what I’m saying. Begging them all to hear me.

I’m so traumatised and angered by the whole Bankruptcy thing that me and my husband can’t discuss it at all now. I go into a complete meltdown every single time.
Then my ME is even worse afterwards.

Plus I’m fearful for my husband’s health too. He has high blood pressure now, caused by all of this I’m sure. And needs various medications for it.
All the rows and shocks are very bad for him too I’m sure.

I need to be able to do a letter of response to the Trustee In Bankruptcy. Because there seem to have been some misunderstandings.
They seem to think I have refused to do some things. Thereby “not co-operating” with them. This can be very serious – that much I do know.
It’s not true of course.
And I have to be able to tell them this.
But I can’t.

Because my brain will not work.

A simple letter, and yet I cannot manage this.
I will keep trying of course. But God knows how long this will take me.

This situation really is not fair.

To say I could be made Bankrupt again – because I haven’t been well enough to do things. Or do them quickly enough.
And the whole Bankruptcy was because I could hardly do anything any longer.

If I was able to make phone calls, read letters and documents, and reply clearly and in a timely manner – I would not have needed voluntary Bankruptcy in the first place.

This has been the worst experience of my life.
Because it has all been so out of control to me. Filled with shocks.

I feel like I’m being hammered all the time.
Like being made to walk on broken legs. Over and over.
But its not my legs.
It’s my brain and automatic nervous system that are getting more damaged every time.