Trying to put this post on my blog in a hurry. 

As I can feel myself crashing badly. And I’m fearful I won’t be able to communicate at all with anyone for a while. Not that I do communicate with people very much. Apart from my husband, I don’t think I have seen or spoken to anyone for months. But I do manage to keep in touch with a couple of friends by text message. Even this is hard for me with so many ME symptoms to contend with. Finding it painful to tolerate the brightness of a mobile phone screen is just one difficult symptom.

For the last while – maybe almost 2 months now – I’ve been pushing myself regularly way beyond what I can safely do. Which is frustratingly very little anyway.   I haven’t had any choice in this – see last blog post for details.  

A combination of lots of emails and maybe 3 quite long legal phone calls has finished me off.  Every email or phone conversation I only “managed” by somehow summoning up a huge amount of adrenaline (God knows where from).  Because of the importance of the communications. And every time I crashed miserably afterwards. 

Every time the crashes have felt worse. More symptoms, worse severity.  But I had to keep pushing against this – because of the situation. 

I feel so angry about this whole situation. All of the last 3 years. And now this legal fight – to cap it all.

But I can’t do anymore just now. 

I feel as though this last 2 months extra-big  surge of stress, exertion, confusion, worry, etc has caused one crash too many.  Too many extreme type symptoms have started again, or feel worse, eg. can’t tolerate much light at all, or sound, or movement/vibration near me. All the usual symptoms are worse.

Trying to type this thru severe headaches and the agonising brightness of the screen is really really hard. And my brain feels like its plugged into electricity. I feel so horribly wired and over stimulated. Thoughts of the last 3 years of Hell all racing round my head. 

I have had to spend a lot of 2017 so far in bed. Not all of it – but far too much of it. It is a rubbish life. Although there are many people with ME who are much worse than me. I know this. And I usually try to focus on being grateful that I’m not even worse. I read about one young girl who wasn’t able to sit up in her bed for 9 years.  9 YEARS . . . .  not weeks or months. And people who have lost the ability to speak. Or swallow food. 

And I’m quite frightened now that I could deteriorate even further. 

The last 2 months have been too much.  Its as simple as that. 

I need to rest completely.  Even if this means bowing out of any communications with the outside world for a while. And avoiding any stimulation.  Or thinking.

Just breathe . . . .