Your Jaw Never Gets Tired

Last Friday was a very bad day.

An incident happened in the morning which sent all my ME symptoms into freefall. And me into a big meltdown.
It was stressful and unnecessary.

The day started well and I was up and dressed at 9 am.
I’d had a bath or shower the night before, and had gone to bed very exhausted after it. But had slept soundly. So I was quite refreshed for a change.
The plan was have some breakfast then get outside for a short walk. Even if just very short. It looked lovely outside – bright and sunny. I was desperate to get out.

I was sitting enjoying my breakfast when the doorbell rang at 9.30 am.
I was expecting a delivery from Amazon of Co Enzyme Q10 capsules (taken to try to reduce my chest symptoms). So I opened the door without hesitation.
Two men were standing there and one of them introduced himself and showed me some ID.
I didn’t take in much of what they said or where they were from – but I managed to hear the bit about repossessing a property. I knew they didn’t mean the one we now live in which is our home now. But my head was immediately spinning.
I think I said something like “Oh for God’s sake, how many times . . . ” And then “you better come in” . And I brought them into the living room.

I wouldn’t let them talk as my whole system had gone straight into a red alert state. From a stress/panic level of zero (totally relaxed) right up to a 10 (off the rails) in a spilt second.
No thinking about this and no choice in it at all.
I mentioned this in a previous post – the effect just a text or voicemail about the Bankruptcy stuff has on me now. To the extent I feel I cannot switch my mobile phone on now, as my body’s automatic stress response is so damaging for me (and my ME symptoms).
And that is just a simple phone message. This event probably caused a much worse reaction.
I managed to digest the fact they represented solicitors who were acting for the mortgage lender Mortgage Express. Who now wanted to repossess 2 properties. Or they may have been from Sheriff Officers (like bailiffs) who the solicitors had employed.
Anyway, I got the gist of it.

I wouldn’t let them talk – instead I went straight into a sort of rant that must have lasted 25 minutes. Hardly stopping for breath. A few times I did almost stop as tears were threatening to take over. But I just kept on and on – like a steam train.
I was saying (maybe yelling) stuff like :

I am Bankrupt and have been for a year now

You (ie Mortgage Express) have been told this over and over and over

How many times do you have to be told ?

Why does NOBODY update your records ?

The whole reason for the bankruptcy was my health – to give away ALL CONTROL OF ALL THE PROPERTIES to the Trustee In Bankruptcy.

So they would deal with EVERYTHING.

That is what I was told would happen

But it hasn’t happened

This is going to kill me

If I was well enough to sit here and have meetings – I wouldn’t have had to go Bankrupt in the first place

If it was just about finances – then I wouldn’t have volunteered for Bankruptcy. We could have sold our house yourself.

I used to have a perfect credit rating of 999 with Experian (nothing to do with anything now – just misplaced pride I guess !)

I shouldn’t be getting treated like this

The Bankruptcy advisor told me the flats would all be handed back to the mortgage lenders. Then told us that the Trustee would be selling them instead.

Which was totally fine. Either way was fine

This was the WHOLE point of the Bankruptcy.

The Trustee has been trying to give you (Mortgage Express) these properties back for well over a year now

What is the point of repossessing properties that they are trying to give you back ?

How hard can you make it ?

It’s all such a shambles and its killing me

If you’re going to speak I’ll have to record it, as I won’t be able to remember anything you’ve said . . . ! (they couldn’t get a word in edgeways)

And on – and on – and on I rambled and ranted, until I finally ran out of energy.

The 2 men seemed fairly sympathetic, but that was maybe just because they couldn’t get a word in.
They did manage to mumble about procedures and stuff. To be honest I wouldn’t have taken in anything they said – even if I had allowed them to speak a bit more. They gave me some legal letters and tried to explain what they were. But I just grabbed them and was saying stuff like
“I can’t even read this – it will just get posted onto the Trustee In Bankruptcy for them to deal”
“EVERYTHING gets sent onto them . . . ”
“They are supposed to deal with EVERYTHING . . .”

I think they were glad to get away.

After they left all my energy just evaporated.
I sat looking at my cold cup of tea for ages.
Then the tears started. From exhaustion, frustration, anger, etc etc.
Then I decided to phone my husband at work.
I shouldn’t have done this. But I had got myself into such a state I had to tell him. But all I did was rant on the phone to him. I kept saying things like – this shouldn’t be happening, they (the Trustee) must be able to stop this stuff, they were meant to deal with everything, etc etc etc

He then phoned the Trustee. But he said he ended up going into a rant himself on the phone, as he felt helpless and frustrated at not being able to do much to help.
When he called me back later, the only update was they had said they were very sympathetic to my health situation, but this stuff is just procedure.

And they suggested that I just do not answer the door to anyone . . !

How long for, I wonder . . . ?
These visitors were talking about 2 properties. There are another 12 to go . . .

I spent the the rest of the day curled up in a tight ball on the sofa. And just cried and wept for a few hours.
My temperature must have plummeted as I was very cold although it was sunny outside. So I needed the heating on for the whole day.
And all the usual symptoms were there – headaches, out of breath, heavy weight/feeling of compression on chest, legs and arms like jelly with no strength at all, head spinning and feeling dizzy, chest pounding – I dread to think how high my heart rate must have been
etc etc etc

So, to sum up the current situation :

Can’t bear to switch mobile phone on – because of unwanted missed calls and voicemails.

And cannot risk answering the door for the foreseeable future.

Given that I heavily rely on things being delivered (eg health items from Amazon) this isn’t ideal.

This situation is not conducive to improving my health in any way at all.
It is damaging it further.
It’s like constantly being made to walk on broken legs – destroys all chance of healing and recovery.

I just wanted to run away.
But I didn’t have the strength left to walk to the kitchen.

On Sunday night/Monday morning I was sick during the night, and had a lot of bouts of diarrhoea.
Horrible.

My whole system felt wrecked.

I just hope things improve soon.