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I Wish . . . .

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I WISH FOR :

To be walking on a beach, feeling the warm sand under my bare feet
To feel the sunshine on my face
To be near to water, looking out at a huge ocean, all the greeny blue water
To see the calmness of the hills, their stability
To swim in the sea, or even just walk in it and feel the water around my legs
To sit outdoors and lean against a big solid tree, eating a sandwich, looking up at the sky

To sit on a balcony early evening, looking out at a view of water and hills. And faraway houses.
Maybe with a nice glass of chilled wine
To feel the warm evening air flowing thru my loose hair
To eat a seafood salad in an outdoors cafe, perhaps looking onto a quiet beach
To be able to read a good book and just lose myself in the story
To listen to calming beautiful music

To be very far away from all worries, all insecurities, all fears about the future.
Just for a while . . . .
Not asking for a perfect life – but just for some things to get a little easier.

Bankruptcy for me has been absolutely no relief whatsoever. It has been brutal.

It has replaced some stresses with different stresses and worries which seem to be keeping me quite unwell. And I suspect the sheer trauma and impact of it all may have made some of my symptoms even worse,
eg, severe brain fog (aka cognitive dysfunction or brain dysfunction)
headaches, and hyper-sensitivity to things like noise, light, using laptop, mobile, watching TV, even listening to music

Hey Ho, nobody said life would be easy . . . .

I crave the company of people who are :

gentle
calm
kind
have empathy and compassion for others
understanding
non-judgemental
are willing to learn, to listen
have varied interests
have a good sense of humour
don’t have rigid black and white opinions
have had life experience which has given them an open mind

I need to avoid people who are :

ignorant and unwilling to learn
abrupt
sarcastic
(sarcasm when aimed unfairly at me is absolutely lethal for my ME, an instant trigger for all my symptoms escalating)
people who make fun of, or laugh at, others’ limitations, or problems
people who make jokes about things that are not at all funny
have rigid, unbending opinions
who get bored easily – there is so much in life to experience (how can people get bored . . . ?)

But I guess we would all like these things . . . !

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Gratitude 6 : Red Roses

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A short post – as recovering from a rather bad week.
But I’m not going to write about that.

Instead, here is a photo of some lovely flowers from my neighbour. This was so thoughtful.
Aren’t they beautiful ?
Such a deep vivid shade of red.

How nice it was to water them this morning and take delight in how they have bloomed.
Isn’t nature amazing . . . . ?

Re-blogged : Hip Surgery and ME: Society Has It Wrong

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I had to reblog this post.
It is from Jeannette Burmeister’s blog which is called
http://www.thoughtsaboutme.com.
And it is written by her husband Ed Burmeister.
It is about one of the worst, most painful issues, encountered by people with ME

Thoughts About M.E.

I am proud to share a note that my husband, Ed Burmeister, wrote last week. He initially posted it on Facebook only where it received a lot of attention and was shared more than 250 times. It really resonated with the community.

Therefore, I talked him into allowing me to post it here as well. I am blessed to have such a supportive and loving spouse.

Last Wednesday, I had a complete hip replacement.  It was a short procedure (1-1/2hours). No general anesthesia required.  I was out of bed the day of surgery and home after two days.  On Monday, I started driving again and really could have done so on Saturday already. Yesterday, I returned to work. I was comfortably working away, largely free of pain.  I walk without a limp and with no assistance and am pretty much unrestricted in my activities. I never needed narcotic painkillers after…

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Gratitude 5 : Newlands Park

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Had a walk in a lovely park the other day. In Glasgow’s south-side.
Its called Newlands Park and is a lovely smallish park. With lots of interesting areas and plenty benches to sit on. It was quiet with just a few people walking their dogs.
It was just heaven – breathing in the fresh air, enjoying all the greenery and some flowers out, and listening to the birds tweeting.
Just heaven.
I need more of this for sure . . . .

Grareful to have such a nice park close to home.

Gratitude 4 : Bagels made by Hubby

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Grateful for – Bagels with cheese and ham, with some cucumber and baby tomatoes. Made by my husband.
And a cup of tea.

Had this for breakfast this morning. And really really enjoyed them, especially as I’d eaten nothing since yesterday afternoon.
Was starving . . . !

Reason for this was bad headaches resulted in me getting into bed early evening. With painkillers. And the plan (ie. hope) that a couple of hours lying down, comfy with eye patches on would do the trick.
It did – eventually.
But I was feeling exhausted after just printing 6 emails off in the afternoon. I find it too hard to read things some days unless its in print form. But just looking at the laptop screen for too long, plus the noisy printer triggered off the dammed headaches. Anyway I ended having to stay in bed right thru to this morning.
Hence no dinner last night.

But don’t want to dwell on that.

My point is that I’m always so grateful for my hubby making these bagels for me. (Although they’re meant for my lunch, not breakfast.)
He always makes them the night before while making his lunch rolls for work. He has been doing this for so long now he kindof does it on autopilot.
And I’m very grateful for it . . .

Gratitude 3 : Blueberries for breakfast

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Ok, another not very exciting photo I know.  But I’m doing my best – bear with me . . .
Today I’m grateful for enjoying a nice breakfast of blueberries with yoghurt.
Healthy and refreshing , and tastes lovely too. And easy to make, which is extremely important when energy is limited.
And they say blueberries are a superfood. Hoping for some super effects . . . !

Gratitude 2 : Tea

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A day of being in bed almost the whole day, after just a small amount of exertion in the morning. (Some texts then checking emails. And opening mail. Not much else.)
So frustrating . . .
But I’ve had worse days. Almost no headaches today – and I actually feel that I’ve had a lot of “good quality” sleep. And I’m grateful for that.

Now having a nice cup of tea made by my hubby.
And teacakes.
In this pretty mug which was a present.

Enjoying . . .
And tomorrow is another day.

Gratitude 1: Daffodils

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At last, 1st gratitude post and photo. Just as well I didn’t say I would do this every day . . .

Daffodils
Arrived in Asda order at weekend
Yellow – lovely and bright
Summary and uplifting

Short post as pretty exhausted today.  But wanted to get a cheerful post onto this blog.
Less is more sometimes

” Bullies ” comment and The Lancet

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There was a bit of a row on Twitter yesterday. And reading it (which I could not help) left me feeling angry and upset.
I will probably exhaust myself writing about it here – but it is too important not to.

It involved an editor from The Lancet making some astonishing comments to ME/CFS sufferers. Then actually blocking some people on twitter – so that they could no longer interact with her and The Lancet. Or be able to read anything she was writing about them, or any other health stuff.

The comment which jumped out at me involved an accusation of bullying. Followed up by a 2nd tweet showing she had no knowledge or understanding about ME/CFS at all.
If I have understood things right, her comments were initially in response to an ME sufferer pointing out inaccuracies in a piece that had been published in The Lancet. And commenting that another publication/magazine/journal had apologised for something – I,m assuming similar inaccuracies.

The 2 actual tweets were :

1st )
” What exactly would we be apologising for?? For having a view? Ridiculous.
You,re bullies ! ”

2nd )
” Chronic Fatigue = polarised field ! We,re entitled to our view as anyone else. Its an editorial !!
Write a letter if you,re that aggrieved ! ”

Gosh.
I mean, where do you start  . . . . ?

I could write so much, but simply don,t have enough energy. So I will just need to make my comments in shortish bullet points.

1) This Lancet editor has less than 1000 followers on twitter – but The Lancet itself has 164,000 twitter followers.

2) People with ME/CFS have a very serious, debilitating condition. In some cases people who have Very Severe ME have to be tube-fed as they are too weak  even to swallow.
Even the most mildly affected often struggle with simple daily activities. That the rest of the world take for granted.

3) We are hardly in a position to be bullies, are we ?
I thought bullying was about having power and control. In this situation – who has this ?
I don,t think it is an ME sufferer or the ME community.

4) Another ME sufferer tweeted :

” Jaw dropping response to chronically ill #MEcfs patients. Many cannot write an email ”

And there were many many other upset, outraged comments too.
Not surprisingly.

5) The ” write a letter . . ” comment really upset me too.

I have a multitude of symptoms to struggle with most days – just like thousands of other sufferers. The “brain fog” symptom has been pretty severe over the last few years in particular. Making writing an email or a letter a very difficult, time consuming and energy-draining task for me a lot of the time. It is difficult physically and also mentally.
I know I have written on this blog over the last few years about how much I was struggling with this. How an email that should take maybe 20 mins would take me 4 hours. And I would pay for it by being wiped out sometimes all the rest of that day. And the next day too sometimes.
etc etc etc . . . .
(A letter can be even harder if you don,t have somebody to post if for you.)
This was the reason I had accumulated such a huge backlog of work, and my business was spiralling out of control.
ie. That I couldn,t even manage to do simple admin tasks most of the time.

And the repercussions of this for me have hit me very hard.
Voluntary Bankruptcy, and the loss of almost everything – now in my 50,s.

So I did feel enraged at a health editor from a powerful health publication making such comments.

Over and out for now.

Things To Be Grateful For

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I’ve mentioned before, somewhere on this blog, that I sometimes try to write gratitude lists. I’ve been doing this off and on for years.
You know, 4 or 5 things I’ve been grateful for at the end of the day. Most often – at the end of a bad day. In an attempt to divert my thoughts away from all the bad stuff.  The only problem with this is – when the bad days are so regular you can run out of things to write. Or just keep writing the same things on the list. And it becomes boring. Like a chore even.
This isn’t because there is nothing at all to be grateful for, or nothing new. But when exhausted and the brain fog is bad it can be too hard to think – even of nice things.

On Twitter recently I read a piece about somebody who published a book about gratitude. Seemingly the person took a photo of something she was grateful for every day of the year – all 365 days.
I didn’t manage to read the whole article as my brain fog can make reading and concentrating difficult much of the time. And actually remembering the details of what I have read. (A massive frustration . . . )
But I don’t think the author had intended it to become a book. It was just something she wanted to do. And she enjoyed doing it. And if I remember right (and it is a big IF) the author suffered from depression. But doing this helped her enormously.
Then I read a bit from an ME/CFS sufferer’s blog.
Louise from http://www.getupandgoguru.com
(Oh dear, just the title of that blog makes me feel quite weak – sorry Louise !)
Anyway she had set herself a challenge to do this too, ie. take a photo of something every day and publish it. To her blog or other social media.
And she did it.  She called it #365Gratefuls or something similar.
Very well done Louise !!

Now there’s no way I’m going to say I will do this every day of the year. I would just be setting myself up for failure.

But I did find this interesting. Anything that has helped people’s health has got to be worthwhile.
And the idea of a photo I like as it sounds simple. And a move away from trying to think. And its not too energetic.

So I will start adding photos to this blog of things I am/was grateful for.
They will just be very random, not in any order of importance, etc.  Just whatever I happen think of. Ideally without much thinking at all . . . .
And they may well be very boring to people, as will probably be indoor things for a while.

Starting soon.
Maybe even later today if I can.  But I am very drained and headachey after just writing this post.
But soon . . .

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