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Why Happy Pills ?

I have been on anti-depressants for over 8 yrs.
My doc was always keen to give me these since I was diagnosed with CFS in 2002/2003 – after struggling on at work for at least 12 years before that.
With CFS or ME come a big list of physical problems which can make day to day life quite difficult.
Add to that almost no NHS medical help (none that works anyway), no financial help, no practical support, no emotional support.
Plus often boredom, impatience, or disinterest from people in general.

No wonder people get depressed !

Or in my case – more stressed-out than depressed.
If I didn’t “take the tablets” I would be in danger of bursting into tears of frustration and anger at stuff on a regular basis.
Almost every aspect of my life has got harder over the years. Especially the last 2 or so years.
Right now I seem to spend most of my life working – then exhausted – then sleeping.
Then more of the same . . .
There is very little time, space or energy for much else.
Not by choice – but because I work for myself and it takes me ages to get thru stuff some days with the CFS.
If I rest – the work problems and backlog gets worse. And everything has a “financial penalty” of some sort – as I deal with property.
If I just push on and on while feeling ill – I then end up “crashing” physically and mentally. And may end up in bed for a day (or even a few days) to recover. And while recovering – the work backlog and problems all get worse.
Its a vicious circle.
And I have “lost” so many days out of my life this way over the years.

Add to this the problems of trying to do normal daily activities like food shopping, cooking/preparing some dinner, laundry, housework, household finances, personal things like having a shower, or ironing clothes to wear.
These things can be major challenges at times when the CFS is bad – and often just can’t get done. Partly because no time left, but more often because no physical energy left over to do them.
Apart from the most important one – ie. Eating !
Mind you, at times I have even had to resort to just eating some biscuits or a slice of cheese for my dinner before collapsing into bed.
Not ideal.
– Then add to that the problems of having no money to spend, being overdrawn (or close), credit card debts rising, etc. And that’s just the household finance.
– The property finance is maybe 10 times as complicated and the credit crunch/recession of the last 5 years makes this all the more difficult. But I am still managing to keep it all afloat – though it feels like it is taking everything I have got at times.

But no choice here really.
As I can’t just “make it all go away”. And in this market and financial climate it isn’t possible just to sell it all off quickly – even if I wanted to.
I always look at the long picture – and keep telling myself it will be worth it in the long run.
And that I will get there.

My GP’s view on CFS and ME was that you will not get any financial help from the state – as you have to be “virtually in a coma” to qualify. So he would not help me at all. And this was years ago – around 2003.
NB. Can you imagine how angry I feel when I watch Benefit Cheats on TV . . . . Not that I would want to rely on benefits but it would have been nice just to have a little bit of financial help at times! Just to ease the strain.
I mean other people get benefits who don’t always need them, eg. Child Benefit. But thats another issue.

This is why I got into property.
My choices were very limited. And I had to do something, and something that would (ideally) produce some money in the long run.
CFS makes me unemployable – as I can only work when I can work. And I do work most days. But I can spend 8 hours at my desk and PC – but some days only get the equivalent of maybe 1 hours work done.

But I recognise I am lucky that it does fluctuate and I do have good spells too – and actually have a life. Maybe just not every day.

This has been a long post – and maybe sounds a bit “moany”. (sorry !)
But my goodness – it feels really good to get all this off my chest.

Need to “Get It Out”

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I have decided to start this blog to write about my experiences of living with CFS for a long time. Partly to spare my husband and friends from having to listen to what probably sounds like a lot of moaning and whining. And also to de-stress myself and “get it all out”.  For a long time I have thought I would like to write a book. But this could take years – and I need to start writing now – to prevent me having a stress-induced nervous breakdown !

My thoughts are not really in any logical order – so my posts will just be pretty random. Of experiences and memories both recent and going back over the years.  And I would love it if people with CFS or ME would read it – as well as non-sufferers, friends, etc.  But even if nobody reads it I don’t really mind. As I have to do it for myself – to start to get all the anger and frustrations of the last 20 years or so out of my system.

But its not all going to be negative stuff – honestly – there will be funny stuff too !  And though I may mention my property work from time to time – it will not really be about that.  I plan to start a different blog about that.

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